4 minutes reading time (739 words)

Losing My Purpose

I've been back in Ontario about a month now. As you know I haven't posted anything on this blog since returning. I've barely posted on social media. I haven't lost interest or decided consciously to walk away, I've just lost the energy to do it.  

​ When I first got back to Ontario my life became very chaotic, very quickly. The plan I had in place to get me through the first few months back in Ontario fell apart and I found myself relying on people I had never intended to rely on. I feel blessed to have such amazing people in my life but I also feel bad for intruding on their life simply because mine fell apart.

I feel like I've lost track of myself in this whole process. Like somehow this new path I'm on was covered in huge rocks and I had no idea where to even start to find my way through. I've stopped Podcasting, Blogging and communicating with the world I had grown to love. The community that gave me a purpose in the first place.

I lost my purpose in life. 

 I left it somewhere on the road where my life got blown to smithereens and I didn't even notice at the time. When I finally did make the conscious effort to notice, I then continued down that path for a week, beating myself up over having lost a month of time being so unaware.

I allowed myself to fall into a cycle of laziness, sadness, and uncertainty. I've allowed my soul, my spirit to go dormant and hide somewhere in the darkness of this hole I found myself in. I didn't intend for it to happen, I'm not even sure that I knew consciously that it did happen until a week ago.

A week ago, after returning from a family members funeral, to the kind of heartwarming, soul igniting welcome only a 19-month-old can you give you, I realized how much I wish I could share that singular moment with the world (no I did not go out and have a baby without telling anyone, she belongs to the amazing people who have allowed me to intrude on their lives while I fix my own). I realized how much I wanted everyone to feel as loved and happy as I did in that moment. I realized that no matter how messy my life path is, I am still loved and surrounded by amazing people. I am HAPPY. I realized my purpose in life didn't get blown to smithereens with everything else, it just hid in a corner waiting for me to realize that it was all meant to work out this way.

I have never had a child of my own but watching the look of surprise on that little munchkins face as she saw me in the driveway and started running towards me, I now can appreciate why people do. That moment woke me up. It gave me back some of the fire my soul had been missing. I gave me back the ability to find my purpose again.

I'm a well-educated, self-aware women who knows better than to let life get me down. That, however, doesn't stop the moments when I still feel helpless at what life has thrown my way. It doesn't stop me from being sad, angry, depressed or whatever feelings happen in the moment of life-altering events. I know ultimately "this too shall pass".

Sometimes that moment just takes a little longer to pass then it should. My moment lasted a month. A month I can't get back so I might as well not beat myself up over it any longer.

Today I'm getting back on track. I'm following the life path in front of me. I'm crawling over all the rocks in my way so that I can have exactly what I want out of life.

I realize that we all sometimes get stuck in this washing machine of life, spinning around uncontrolled until the cycle ends. Today I'm here to remind you (and myself) that those moments will happen and it's okay. You just have to find something to hold onto until the cycle ends and you can move forward.

My life may not be exactly where I thought it would be today, but I have an amazing circle of people around me who remind me every day that I am loved, happy, and healthy and that is truly all that matters.

Six Years
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Monday, 20 August 2018
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