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People want things to stay the same but they can't…..
It's a simple truth of life. We are all afraid of things changing. We all have this fear that the world will fall apart if it changes. How will we manage that? How can we hold on if we don't know what's coming?
The truth is everything in life changes. It changes because it has too. That's life!
We grow as people and because of that, we change. We experience loss and because of that, we change. We gain a better understanding of ourselves and because of that, we change. Life is about change. Stagnation will get you nowhere.
Can you imagine if we all stopped growing and our maturity ended at age sixteen?
How crazy does that seem? Would you really want to live in that world?
I find that the more I follow this journey of self-discovery and personal happiness, the more I want to grow and change. The less afraid of change I become, the more I crave the unknown. The more I aim to improve myself, the more I want to. I want to be a better person than I was the day before.
I want to be more self-aware.
I want to be more grounded.
I want to be more understanding.
I want to be more tolerant.
I want to be more forgiving.
I want to be free.
Free to live my life the way I choose. Free to follow whatever path I choose.
Part of this journey for me, a big part, has been self-improvement. I've been reading a book that talks about EGO and how we are all controlled by our egos because we don't recognize what our ego actually is. We don't understand that our anger, our hurt, our self-loathing all comes from our egos. Our egos are always looking for a way to place people into conflicts that will allow us all to view the world as an US or ME vs Them mentality. Allowing us always to have a reason to hold onto hate, anger, frustration and any other emotion that allows us to keep that me vs them mentality.
Since I started reading this book in April, I've been trying to recognize these moments in my life. Trying to understand when they happen, why they happen, how they happen. Trying to find ways to let them go or move past them so that I can be free of my ego controlling me. The funny thing is once you start to recognize your own ego, you start to recognize the ego in other people as well. It's been freeing to start to understand my own ego. To recognize when it is in control of my emotions. To know that even though sometimes I can't control my automatic response to a situation, I can recognize what happened and why. I can learn from it and move forward. I am learning to forgive myself and move forward. The hard part in this whole thing for me has been learning to forgive others.
I now understand that the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the hate, it all comes from my ego. Learning to control that, however, has been a lot harder than learning to recognize it. Learning to recognize it, to acknowledge it has been easy. Well maybe easy isn't the right word but it hasn't been as challenging as I thought it would be. The challenging part, the part I'm struggling with, is learning to let it go. To give up those feelings once I recognize them and be free. To acknowledge that the anger, the hurt, the frustration all comes from my ego wanting conflict with someone else and then simply walk away from it is difficult.
A couple of days ago I ended up finding myself in the middle of a conflict that I hadn't anticipated coming. The conflict started simply by my asking someone I was with to use a knife. Sounds stupid, I know but it is what it is. Before I knew it I realized the person I was fighting with was just trying to fight with me. Trying to cause me to fly off the handle. Trying to start and argument for whatever the reason was. Basically their ego vs mine. I knew the only thing I could do in that moment was remove myself from the situation. I didn't want to be controlled by my ego. I didn't want to have a fight in a public place, hell, I didn't want to fight at all.
The great thing about becoming more self-aware is you change and become a better person. The downside is, you realize that some people don't. Some people, maybe most people, want things to stay the same. People become comfortable in the state they are in. People know life as it is, even if they aren't happy. They become comfortable with the way of life they are familiar with.
Honestly, all I know is that you can't control anything other than your own reaction. Sometimes the only option you have is to acknowledge that you can't control it and figure out the best way to get to the other side. Figure out a way to be who you are while allowing other people to be who they are.
I no longer want things to stay the same. I haven't for a long time. I don't want the life I had a year ago. I don't want to be the same person I was yesterday. I want to be better, I want to do better as a person, I want to live a better life. I work a little every day to make sure that happens. I can control that. I can control myself and only myself.
The biggest lesson I've learned in this whole thing is that I don't have to accept who other people are. I don't have to be okay with who they are or how they act, but I do have to let them be. I have to learn to just let them be who they want to be, even if I don't like it.
It's not an easy realization. It's one that I know I'm going to struggle with. I know that there are lots of people in my life who don't want to change. People who want the life they have now to stay exactly as it is now. I know that I'm going to need to figure out how to process that. I know that I'm no longer going to allow myself to spend a day angry or hurt because of something someone else did. That's who they are, who they choose to be and I'm just going to have to find a way to deal with that if I want those people in my life.